Military personnel go to war. They are brave. They face unspeakable horrors. They are stretched beyond reason. Life is very hard.
Partners and spouses of military personnel stay home. They are brave. They face unspeakable responsibilities. They are stretched beyond reason. Life is very hard.
Perhaps it is unfair to compare the two because they are very different sets of stressors. However, no one should ever demean the strength and courage it takes to stay home and keep everything together in the face of the fear and uncertainty that is deployment. How can I survive my partner’s deployment?
When the Going Gets Tough
The saying “when the going gets tough, the tough get going” is a brave attitude to have. It is also okay to not feel very tough when things become so difficult so quickly during deployment. As a spouse or partner of a serviceperson, we are going to be called on to do more than twice as much, with more than twice the stress caused by fears and uncertainties. We do not have to pretend like everything is okay.
We can be emotional. We can find healthy outlets for our tears, fears, and frustrations. We do not need to be perfect, only perfectly us. Being the glue that holds everything together means that certain times might be sticky, but we don’t have to fall apart. This is a perfect time to be gentle with ourselves. To rewrite the rules about housework and yard work and perfect meals and perfect kids. The most important part is that we take care of ourselves, because we cannot keep everything together without keeping ourselves together first.
Support That Matters
One of the best investments of our time and energy is to build a support network for ourselves. These should be people who understand, are compassionate, and available to support us in whatever ways we need. Whether it is a shoulder to cry on, someone to mow the lawn or pickup kids, or just give us a night off so we can relax every once in a while.
Other military families are a great source of support because we can lean on one another and swap babysitting duties, as well as offer understanding based on personal experiences. However, we are all stretched, and we also need other people who can help us when everyone is maxed out. By building a strong support network and learning to lean on them, we share some of our burden, and allow others to help us too.
Remembering Self-Care
Taking time every day for ourselves may seem unrealistic. Let’s face it, there are going to be some days when just getting a shower is out of the question. However, no matter how unrealistic it seems, finding a few minutes each day to do something that feeds us emotionally, mentally, and/or physically allows us to bear our burdens better, to be a better parent, partner, neighbor, etc.
We cannot take care of everyone and everything else if we do not take care of ourselves. Self-care does not solve all of our problems, but it does help us to have the mental, emotional, and physical capacity to better face our problems. Choosing deliberate, fulfilling activities for ourselves each day and not allowing anyone or anything else to steal our time from us gives us enough fuel to get through each day.
Substance Use Awareness
The level of stress that military families experience, particularly during deployment, is unlike any other population. Too often, family members turn to substance use to cope during these incredibly difficult times. In fact, military personnel and their families have a higher rate of substance use than the general population.
During deployment, we are alone. We live in fear each day of getting that knock on the door, or a call about a serious injury. We are taking care of all of the household responsibilities and perhaps managing a job and/or children as well. Not knowing when our partner will be home, or sometimes even where they are at any given time, can push us past our emotional limits.
Using substances to cope at this time may begin with a simple glass of wine or a beer at the end of the day, or maybe a pill someone offered us to try to help us relax and sleep. However, with the intense level of stress we are facing every day, one drink turns into many, and before we know it, we can no longer control our intake. Now we really need help, only we may not even know how or where to find it.
Where to Turn for Help
No matter what our situation is or how counterintuitive it may seem, we need to access treatment for substance use as soon as possible. Having someone else take on our responsibilities is better than us trying to do them with such a limited capacity as we have when we are using substances. We can find residential treatment for substance use to help us heal and be ready to take on our lives again.
How can I survive my partner’s deployment? We can be proactive about taking care of ourselves and leaning on our support network. If we should turn to substance use, Rancho Milagro Recovery understands the unique situations of military families and can help us heal. Call us at (951) 526-4582 to get the support you need.