Whether you’re in recovery or still struggling with your addiction, you’re probably familiar with the feelings of guilt and shame. Maybe it’s for the things you did and said while using or maybe it’s just because you had to use in the first place. Regardless of what it is you feel guilty over, an important step in recovery is being able to forgive yourself.
Without Forgiveness, We Cannot Grow
Forgiving yourself is the first thing you must do to grow and learn from your mistakes. If we continue to try and move through life clinging to our mistakes then we are never truly able to hold them at length where we may understand them. Continually beating yourself up over bad decisions does nothing but hurt you and those who may have also been impacted by your decisions. Instead, by first forgiving ourselves, we can look at where we went wrong, draw the bridge between cause and effect, and prevent ourselves from repeating certain patterns.
The Difference Between Accountability and Shame
Giving yourself forgiveness does not mean you have decided not to hold yourself accountable. In fact, by forgiving yourself you have very earnestly recognized that you made a mistake and by coming to understand that mistake you are holding yourself accountable. When you decide instead to linger in guilt you are experiencing shame and rather than accountability. It is not enough to atone for one’s actions by dwelling in self-loathing — this addresses neither the action itself nor the healing, only your feelings. Beating yourself up for hurting yourself or someone else may feel like the right thing to do. “Punishment” may seem like a fitting solution. However, no one benefits from this course of action. By limiting your reaction to one of self-deprecation, you have closed off all other options for growth and removed any accountability you may have had. No matter how upset with yourself you may be, by neglecting to acknowledge and forgive yourself, you have made it easier to repeat the same mistakes.
Guilt Feeds Into Cyclical Mistakes
Focusing on how guilty you feel rather than forgiving yourself opens the door to establishing a pattern of bad decisions. This is because forgiveness cannot happen without first acknowledging yourself and your mistakes. When we focus on guilt, we don’t fully consider our actions and their outcomes because our brains become more preoccupied with shame. After a long enough time that guilt and shame become a feeling that is second-nature and will no longer act as a deterrent for repeating your mistakes.
Knowing the Roots of Your Mistakes
It’s a big step to be able to forgive yourself and it is certainly no easy task. Guilt and shame aren’t just feelings we use to avoid accountability but can be very honest emotional responses to making a mistake. In that sense, however, our mistakes themselves may also be emotional responses. There are times when we are so overwhelmed that our decision-making skills become clouded and in those times it is more than easy to make a mistake — we’re human, after all. Many of us are not prepared with healthy coping skills for when hardship comes our way, we don’t live in environments that will uplift us or provide helpful resources. If we want to be able to forgive ourselves then we must be able to view ourselves with compassion. While the mistake will remain regardless, looking at the person who made it and why/how they made it will help you to understand and forgive.
Including Others in Your Forgiveness
When you forgive yourself you may wonder if others are also ready to forgive you. Coping with guilt and shame can be a solo journey at times. If you hurt others with your mistakes it’s important to know that they may not be ready to forgive you in the same amount of time that it takes to forgive yourself. They may not ever be able to forgive you. You may grow immensely as a person and do good that overwrites your mistake ten times over and still they may never forgive you. This is why, above all, you must forgive yourself first. Seeking the forgiveness of others is a natural response to making a mistake but without acknowledging and forgiving yourself you will not learn from it. Remaining accountable for bad decisions means that you will have to accept that your wrong-doing may never be forgiven by some people and know that your mistakes cannot be erased by the forgiveness of others.
Shame and guilt are natural feelings that can come with addiction and recovery but they are not feelings you need to beat yourself up over. The first part of managing these feelings is forgiveness and addressing your mistakes. If you are struggling with addiction or recovery please call Rancho Milagro at (951) 526-4582 and we can help. You don’t have to live in guilt over your addiction, you deserve the best treatment available to recover from it. We are a treatment facility located in the secluded hills of Temecula, CA, where you will find peace and privacy. Our team is committed not only to your recovery but to you as a person. That’s why we treat the whole person: mind, body, and spirit. We have miles of private hiking trails, over 20 farm and therapy animals, and many kinds of available therapy. At Rancho Milagro, you’ll be treated as an individual because we know there is no one path to recovery.