One of the biggest problems associated with substance use is the resulting domestic violence against significant others and children. While many addicts and/or alcoholics never become violent as a result of their addictions, domestic violence is typically accompanied by some sort of substance use. Likewise, victims and witnesses of domestic violence have significantly higher chances of experiencing addiction themselves.
With domestic violence, the abuse comes from the hands of a person we love and trust. Often, this individual will direct abuse not only at their partner but at their children too. The resulting physical pain is very real, but the emotional pain experienced may be even more difficult to bear. Is it possible to heal from domestic violence?
Not in Our Control
Domestic violence can be more than just physical violence. By definition, domestic violence is when someone uses psychological, physical, or sexual abuse to gain control or power over another loved one or family member. While there are a number of different internal and external factors that can cause someone to abuse a loved one, being under the influence of a substance is one of the most common instigators.
Being a victim of domestic violence is terrifying for multiple reasons. One of the biggest reasons is that it is not something we can control. We are overpowered mentally, physically, and/or sexually, and then we are harmed at the hands of someone we love. There are so many things that we can control in life, but this is not one of them. No matter how much we fight, we give up our power to the abuser.
Always On Alert
Those who have lived with repeated domestic violence and assault might refer to living with an abuser as “walking on eggshells.” The victim must always be on alert and try not to trigger the abuser into anger or aggression. For example, maybe we look for signs of substance use to know if we should hide or leave. Our minds and bodies are always on alert trying to prevent the next rage or the next assault.
However, we are not meant to live in a constant state of panic. Our brains need time to rest and restore each day. Our bodies need to be able to relax and move freely, as prolonged muscle tension from constant stress can lead to illness or injury. Emotionally, it is very damaging to put all of our energy toward attempting to control something we are powerless over. Is it really a surprise that so many victims of domestic violence turn to substances themselves to numb the pain?
More than Cuts and Bruises
The cuts and bruises hurt. However, the psychological pain from being verbally assaulted, belittled, or controlled is terrible. Furthermore, when the abuse comes from someone we love and trust, the emotional turmoil can be completely overwhelming.
Betrayal by someone we love creates a type of psychological scar that goes well beyond being victimized. It results in great confusion around loyalty, love, and family, and can single-handedly destroy our self-esteem. If we felt powerless before being abused by a loved one, we may feel a deficit of power now. We cannot bring ourselves to stand up to our abuser, but we cannot bring ourselves to leave, either. Often, we blame the substances and make excuses for the abuser.
When Children Hurt, Too
The depth of emotional scarring sinks that much deeper when our children are emotionally, physically or sexually harmed. As a parent, our natural instinct is to protect our children at all costs. If we are lucky, we may get them safely locked in a room or block the attack so they can scurry to safety. Still, we cannot erase what they see and hear. If they are harmed, we turn our focus to helping them and tending to their physical wounds. However, while we are shellshocked ourselves, we cannot properly care for or protect our children from their other parent.
Self-medicating for the Pain
When we don’t know what else to do, we may emulate what we have seen: substance use. Certainly, if we can escape the pain by numbing it away, we will be able to cope, right? At this point, there is no room in our minds for the dark irony that we would be turning to the source of our problem for comfort.
Despite the irony, it is quite common for domestic violence victims to turn to substance abuse. The idea follows that when we don’t know what to do, we do what we know. Obviously, using substances is not a sustainable solution. Self-medicating can lead to serious addiction and even a continuation of the cycle of abuse, increasing our chances of becoming abusive ourselves.
Breaking the Cycle
The best way to break the cycle and heal from domestic violence is to seek treatment for our substance abuse. We are not just aiming to become sober, we are looking to heal everything that hurts inside us. Eliminating substances from our lives allows us to take a long hard look at the pain that led us to use in the first place. Addressing our abuse and associated trauma will help us to heal and recover from addiction. In doing so, self-esteem will improve, and with it, our ability to stand up for ourselves to anyone that would try and harm us in the future.
Can I heal from domestic violence? At Rancho Milagro Recovery, we can help you learn to break the cycle of abuse and addiction. By healing the wounds your abuser left, you will greatly improve your ability to maintain long-term recovery from addiction. Call us today, at (951) 526-4582 to learn more about our services.