Parenting is challenging. Children do not come with instruction manuals, and every child and every relationship with a child is unique. Parenting while in recovery is next-level challenging. Not only are you trying to maintain your recovery, but you also have to parent as well. Most likely, you are also trying to repair the damage done to your relationship with your child due to your substance abuse. Trying to figure it all out at once is overwhelming.
Prioritize Needs
One of the most difficult tasks in parenting is to prioritize needs. If you are experiencing a craving and it’s time to go to soccer practice, maybe you work to get through the craving and get to practice a few minutes late. However, if your baby is screaming because she needs to be changed or is hungry, and you feel like you need a nap, you will need to prioritize the baby’s needs first.
Finding the balance is tricky. When you prioritize your self-care, exercise, attending group meetings, etc., then you will be a better parent and person for your children. However, children have physical and emotional needs, which will sometimes need to come first.
A good rule of thumb is to take a deep breath and rate your current level of functioning. A zero is relapsing, not functioning at all, and a ten is parent of the year. Then rate your child’s current needs using the same scale – zero being in danger, ten being the happiest and most independent child ever. If you rate both levels of function fairly, whoever is lowest at the moment takes precedence. If you are both the same, the child may need to be prioritized, or you may just need to call someone and ask for help.
Be Honest About Your Recovery
Children know that something is going on with you. Having lived with you during substance abuse, then having you gone for treatment, and now you’re back home, they will likely have some questions. Always respond to them honestly but in an age-appropriate manner.
For example, if you are having an emotional day and burst into tears in front of your six-year-old, explain that it’s okay to cry, you have been through some difficult things, and it is not their fault that you are crying. You might give more information to a teen, especially to educate them about substance abuse. Children do not need to know all of the details, but being honest will help earn their trust again.
Work to Heal Emotional Wounds
Parents in active substance abuse can get too angry, or neglect, or even abuse their children. Recovery allows you to heal those wounds. The first step is to rebuild trust. This will happen over time, as you show up every day for yourself and your child. Not making the same mistakes again will also help to heal long-term. Expressing your feelings and saying I love you will also help to start healing wounds.
Family therapy is an excellent way to help heal as well. Having a third party to mediate and offer ideas for both you and your child can be an excellent way to heal together. You may also receive practical parenting advice that is suited for your unique situation.
Don’t Forget to Have Fun
The best part of parenting is just being silly, snuggling together, or giggling until you can’t breathe. Not every second of the day needs to be about affirmations, mindfulness meditation, and self-care. Laughing for an hour with your child is possibly more healing than anything else you can do during that time – for both of you.
So go outside and play, dress up, play board games together, read together – don’t forget to have fun. Just because you are in recovery does not mean that you are not allowed to have fun. This is the good part of parenting.
Give Yourself Credit
Being a parent is one of the hardest things you will do in this life. Being a good parent can feel impossible. But you are a good parent every time you step up, show up, fulfill a need, give a goodnight kiss, or stretch yourself and sacrifice to do something for your child when you feel like you have nothing else to give.
So give yourself credit every time you do something good. Mistakes will happen; everyone makes them. The most important thing to remember is that you are improving. By remembering to acknowledge every good thing you do, you will realize that you are a good parent.
Parenting is a particular challenge when you are in recovery. While you need to take care of yourself and maintain your own recovery, you also need to step up as a parent and likely heal emotional wounds from the days of your active substance abuse. By prioritizing needs, being honest, and healing emotional wounds, you will be well on your way. Remembering to have fun and give yourself credit is also important in this process. At Rancho Milagro Recovery, we support families healing together. We have weekly opportunities for families to visit and participate in the recovery process. We also have an alumni program to keep our recovery families healing as well. Parenting during recovery does not have to be done alone. Give us a call at (951) 526-4582 to find out more about how we can support you and your family. Treatment begins here, but healing in recovery continues at home.