The word acceptance is not a sedentary word, it requires action on our part. Whether it is acceptance of our past, learning self-acceptance, or acceptance of other people, we must “actively consent” to acceptance.
Acceptance of ourselves requires us to accept our past and forgive ourselves. That can be challenging, even for the most self-aware amongst us. Sometimes equally challenging is accepting new people, especially if we perceive them as different from us. However, finding self-compassion to accept ourselves and finding compassion to accept others is part of the healing process.
Acceptance of Our Past
For those of us who have used substances, we know the levels of guilt and shame that we can create around our drinking and drug-using past. We also know that others are happy to heap guilt and shame on us, too. Yet guilt and shame do not offer anything of value to us, and they do not allow us to heal. Certainly, with all of that guilt and shame, it is difficult to accept ourselves.
It is important to remember that acceptance is not permission. Acceptance does not mean that what we did was morally okay or that we did not hurt ourselves or other people. Those things happened. Rather, acceptance is understanding and accepting what happened, what we did, and that although some of those things may have been wrong, we are not fundamentally bad people because they took place. They happened. That is all.
Forgiveness of Ourselves
Forgiveness is one step harder on the scale of things we have to do in recovery. It is one thing to be able to accept our past. Yet, it is another thing altogether to forgive ourselves. Again, forgiveness is not permission. We are not looking to justify the things we did that caused harm to ourselves, others, or property. We simply want to learn to forgive.
Forgiveness involves looking at our mistakes and acknowledging that they were mistakes. We must be able to have compassion for ourselves, recognizing that we did the best we knew how at the time. Some of our mistakes may require reaching out to others and asking for forgiveness.
Whether or not they accept and forgive us, we must move forward and forgive ourselves. In other words, we must accept our mistakes, commit to new behaviors, and let go of the rest. No more guilt, no more shame, and no more ruminating about it around the clock.
Self-Compassion
Next comes learning to practice self-compassion. This is often the most challenging step yet. After years of self-loathing, beating ourselves up, and living in shame, we are now expected to face our new experiences with the polar opposite mindset. We begin by showing ourselves kindness, especially toward perceived weaknesses and failings.
This does not mean that we overlook or ignore our shortcomings, only that we treat ourselves kindly no matter what. It is human to fail, to fall short of the mark, and to have weaknesses. Realizing this helps us to understand self-compassion because we realize that we are not alone.
Mindfulness is another way that we can exhibit self-compassion. Practicing mindfulness means that we observe things as they are, without judgment. That means we do not look at our faults and see them as bad, wrong, or really even faults. They are just things that exist. They are part of us. Since we are learning self-compassion, we must learn to be gentle with all of the many parts of ourselves.
Self-Acceptance
After the hard work comes the big test: self-acceptance. We have accepted our past, we have forgiven ourselves, and we are practicing self-compassion. Now it is time to accept ourselves. This means we must let go of every judgment, every fear of inadequacy, and every last bit of shame.
We must see the humanity in our flaws and the beauty in our commitment to growth. Every last imperfection is an opportunity to become better. If we can look at ourselves in the mirror and be comfortable with what we see, knowing we are not perfect but we are doing our best, that is self-acceptance.
Gone are the dialogues in our head filled with regrets, chastising ourselves, or replaying events with what we should have said or done. Self-acceptance just is. We are who we are and we’ve done what we’ve done. What’s in the past can’t be changed, so we are moving forward with acceptance.
Acceptance of Others
Once we have learned to accept ourselves, it is time to accept others in the same way. Even if we have to work through all of the steps of forgiving and accepting their past, and consciously choosing compassion, we must be willing to accept others as they are.
Acceptance means looking past race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and any other labels we put on ourselves to point out differences. We are all just humans, doing our best to live our lives well. Understanding our own lived experiences and struggles helps us to relate to, and be accepting of others.
Accepting someone who has done something morally reprehensible does not mean that they cannot be prosecuted by the law or that we have to be best friends with them. It simply means that you can honestly say, “I see you. You are human, just like me. We are the same. I accept you because we are the same.”
A World of Acceptance
Imagine a world where everyone accepted themselves and others. Maybe it seems like an impossible dream. However, for each one of us who learns to practice self-compassion and self-acceptance, and is then willing to extend that same compassion and acceptance to others, we are taking one step closer to a world of acceptance.
At Rancho Milagro Recovery, we practice acceptance. We accept rescue humans, rescue animals, and all of the people who love them. We embrace diversity and prioritize inclusivity. Call us at (951) 526-4582 to find out how you can become part of our community. Acceptance is only a phone call away.